Like sex, money rarely comes up in conversations over the dinner table. It is not considered polite and is often regarded with a mixture of suspicion and shame. But where did this attitude come from?

Shame

What is Shame?

In my experience, anything that brings shame is often tied up with identity. This tends to come in several different forms:

• Shame about the dark sides of who we are, but we don’t want others to see us that way
• Shame about who we aspire to be, but are not

Generally, shame comes when we fear the revelation of an incongruous part of ourselves that we or others do not wish or expect to see. The book On Shame and the Search for Identity by Helen Merrell Lynd describes this feeling in an illuminating and interesting manner.

Shame and Money

When it comes to money, shame is rife. Unfortunately, money comes with many other associations in our meritocratic and superficial culture.

In other words, if you don’t have money, you’re seen as lazy or incompetent. If you have money and buy expensive stuff, you’re seen as indulgent, wasteful and impulsive. If you have money and live below your means, you’re seen as miserly, Draconian and a general Scrooge. If you don’t really earn much money and live paycheck to paycheck, you’re caught in the rat race. There’s just no winning.

Furthermore, money is tied up with your lifestyle and life choices. If you look at what you’re spending on, you can figure out quite easily what your life looks like – that’s how much money can reveal about you.

Thanks to our meritocratic society, how much you earn is often conflated with how much you’re worth. Indeed, the word ‘net worth’ to describe someone’s wealth sounds like it is also a measure of their value.

However, you must know that this is not true – Jesus, Ghandi and Mother Theresa are three philanthropists who did not have much money but gave so much to the world. I’m not saying you have to give up everything and pursue a life like theirs, but I am saying that there is no correlation between how much money they have and how much gold is in their hearts.

A lot of this unconsciously ties up how you spend money inseparably with your identity. Unfortunately, a lot of us don’t want others to see these parts – and this is where the tension appears. No wonder money rarely comes up in conversation!

How to Separate Shame and Money

Unfortunately, this is not an easy process. Even if you manage to do it, others will become offended by how objective or shameless you become with your money.

The first solution I will offer will kill many birds with one stone. Don’t care what society thinks.

I deliberately chose the word society, because we’re all part of it, and it’s a part of all of us. Society gives us guidelines to live by, but that’s it – those are just guidelines. You’ll know which will work for you and which won’t because you’ll know your own context. Listen to people, especially if they’re saying something you initially disagree with, but respectfully ignore them if those opinions aren’t constructive.

Secondly, treat money with due respect, but remember that it is only a tool. You might have used it wrong previously, and you might use it wrong in the future, but little improvements are better than none. Money will not define you. What you do about your situation will.

Are there any other reasons why you think money is a taboo topic? How do you deal with this? Let me know in the comments!